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Jasmin K Ahluwalia (she/her)

Part One - Redefining Sex: A Sex Therapist's Perspective on Why How You Define Sex Matters

Updated: May 29, 2023


Sex is a topic that is often discussed in hushed tones and shrouded in mystery. Society has created a narrow definition of sex that centers around penetration, orgasm, and specific body parts, but this definition limits our ability to connect with our sexuality and experience pleasure fully. As a sex therapist, I believe that how we define sex matters, and it can influence our sexual attitudes, beliefs, and experiences.


Defining sex is a complex task, and it can be influenced by various factors such as race, religion, gender, ethnicity, ability, body composition, and socioeconomic status, to name a few. Unfortunately, the most common definition of sex tends to be limited to specific actions and body parts, such as intercourse/penetration, penis, vagina, orgasm, and ejaculation. This narrow definition of sex can lead to performance and goal-oriented sex that can cause sexual dysfunction.


Performance-oriented and goal-oriented sex refers to when the focus is on achieving a goal of intercourse and orgasm. Traditionally, this type of sex tends to have three foci - foreplay, intercourse, and orgasm. Foreplay especially in heterosexual relationships, is usually about getting the partner ready for intercourse. Foreplay activities are for the purpose of achieving arousal so intercourse can be performed, and with intercourse, the goal is to achieve orgasm.


When people tend to prescribe this definition, it can cause negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, frustration, and negative thoughts about self, leading to sexual dysfunction. For instance, performance anxiety is the most common reason for erectile dysfunction. This negative cycle can cause a lack of erection and negative emotions, leading to feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. In response, the other partner may feel insecure and unattractive, negatively impacting both the relationship and sexual functioning. This dynamic can play out in both heterosexual and queer relationships.


Defining sex in a rigid way can cause negative emotions like anxiety, anger, and frustration. This can lead to sexual dysfunction if sex doesn't align with the strict definition. For example, if a partner can't get an erection for any reason, negative emotions like anxiety and inadequacy can arise, causing a negative cycle that can lead to erectile dysfunction. Performance anxiety is the most common cause of erectile dysfunction. In response, the other partner may feel insecure and unattractive, negatively impacting both the relationship and sexual functioning. This dynamic can play out in both heterosexual and queer relationships. I believe that sex can be defined more diversely and healthily. Defining sex as anything that is physically, mentally, and emotionally arousing, pleasurable, and leads to satisfaction moves away from performance and goal-oriented sex to non-demanding sex, leading to a healthier sex life that is sustainable. Non-demanding sex focuses on giving and receiving pleasure, emphasizing desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction. In the example above, if the couple engaged in non-demand sex, then the one partner's lack of erection would not be an issue. The couple would continue to engage in other sexual activities that are focused on giving and receiving pleasure and equally valued, preventing the cycle of negative emotions and performance anxiety that can be harmful to both the individual and the couple’s sexual functioning.

In conclusion, how you define sex matters. The definition of sex that is diverse and inclusive, focused on desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction will lead to a sex life that can be enjoyed through all stages of life. Let's break away from society's narrow definition of sex and create a more fulfilling and pleasurable experience for yourself and your partners.

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